Four Months Later
Friday, December 23rd 2022
Holy crap. How've you been? Kind of abandonded this here for a minute. A lot has happened in the last four months. Far too much to cover in one post. I'll try to sum it up as well as I can but there is quite a bit to unpack. So, the last time I updated this we were having someone move in to help pay bills and I was looking for employment. These both went forward as expected, with the roommate moving in the first week of September and me continuing to get interviews. The job hunt ended that final week of September when I was offered a job at a local mortgage company. Unfrotunately, that's when shit started to hit the fan. It turned out that our roommate was cheating on his girlfriend, who is a close friend of ours, and she found out. When she confronted him about it his eventual response was putting a hole in the bedroom door and attempting to kill himself. After he went to the hospital for about a week we decided to give him a second chance after all that he had been through.
Most of October was pretty smooth, with the occasional road bump happening with the roommate. He just wasn't picking up after himself a lot, would complain about things that he could easily fix himself, and sometimes just did/said some awful shit. The job was actually really sick though. I had three weeks of paid training before hitting the floor and when I did there were three more weeks of "ramp up", so I was kind of still in training to a degree. It was one of the best jobs I've ever had honestly, but obviously from the use of the word "had" you can tell it didn't end up working out. Even though I was killing it in my position and trying to make my way to a leadership position, life had different plans for me. At the end of October our roommate decided it was time to go off the deep end again, this time over a fucking cup of coffee. That will still always blow my mind how such a tiny thing sent him over the edge. He put another hole in the door and two more in the wall after freaking out a bunch and ended up back in the hospital. We did not let him come back this time. With that all going on, the hour plus of driving, being away from home for nine hours...it all added up and took a toll on my mental health. When it all came to a head, I snapped and did what I do best: quit my job.
I'm not very proud of that one, honestly. It was the best job I've ever had, with so many amazing accommodations to help me be the best I could be. My ass just didn't take advantage of that. Like, I literally could have taken more days of PTO just to adjust myself to everything at home but instead I just quit. Not my best moment if. However, I did get another job within the next week, which is highly uncharacteristic of me. That one didn't last nearly as long though because they lied about the amount of hours/length of shifts. It was a lot closer to home, but being on my feet for 8-9 hours a day instead of at a desk was kind of annoying. Thus another job was gained and lost. In terms of job stuff that brings us up to speed. I'm currently not really looking for anything because it doesn't seem like I can handle it. The plan for now is to get my meds adjusted to the point where I'm not having massive anxiety/panic attacks every time I'm supposed to go in for a shift. Because that was what was happening at the last job. Every time I would start getting ready for work I would just get hit by a wave of anxiety, like I wasn't supposed to be doing this. Super not fun, to say the least.
Now I'll get into where my mental health has been the last four months, and let me tell you it has been a rollercoaster. September was mostly low because of the job search not turning anything up for almost the entire month. Until I got that offer I'd only had like five interviews and at least 80 applications submitted, if not more. Wild how hard it is to even get an interview these days. Then when October came around it was a little better for a while. I was doing really well at the new job, the roommate wasn't acting up...things were good in October. Then November came in and hit me like a truck. Just took me right off guard. Just every negative emotion I could possibly feel hit me all at once and I wanted to give up so bad. I didn't, as I am sitting here and talking about it instead, but I was very close to just saying, "Fuck it." There wasn't much that could keep me going. To be frank, I don't remember a lot of November. What I do remember is pretty spotty, I just know I wasn't in a very good place. December hasn't been that much better, but we're on an upswing now. I've been getting hardcore into Super Mario 64 speedrunning again, which is something I love dearly. There is also some music making going on in my life. Can never complain about that. So even though I can tell I'm depressed right now I don't feel like giving up. Something about life just makes me want to keep going. There's something waiting for me out there that I just haven't found yet. I'm not sure if it's a job or just some sort of opportunity, but it is out there. With that in mind I have to keep moving forward. I fucking owe that much to myself. After putting up with this shit for nearly thirty years, it would be kind of dumb to give up now.
This'll be where I leave things off for today. Christmas is in two days so I'll probably make an update after that if I'm feeling saucy. Realistically I just like to type shit when I'm bored and this is my best outlet for that. I've used Facebook before but I feel like there is only so much I can say there. Anyway, this has been a nice way to kind of get some stuff out there and keep folks updated at the same time. Doing these posts helps me a lot more than I give it credit. I still want to do more with this site too. Make it look snazzier and organize the posts a bit more. There's plenty of time for that though. Fuck, I can't stop rambilng. Until next time...goodbyeeeee!